The Problem Is Not Kanye

Beck watches Kanye West after Beck won album of the year for "Morning Phase," at the 57th annual Grammy Awards in Los Angeles

The real problem with Kanye’s Grammy stunt was not that it was disrespectful to musicians everywhere—especially Beck—the problem was that it made me feel hella old!  Is “hella” still cool to say?  I don’t know anymore!  I wasn’t cool enough to pull off saying “hella” when I was actually young. How did this happen? When did I officially lose that small crumb of street cred I earned in 1998 when I started reading Spin Magaine?

It’s not that this is the first time I’ve outgrown something.  I do it all the time.  And, usually, feeling too old does not bug me.  I did not care when I grew out of Barbie because her waxy body was starting to creep me out, anyways.  I was fine when I grew out of vodka screwdrivers, too, because those were starting to give me 2-day headaches.  These days, I do not even flinch when I see a blog headline about how old the Full House twins are now—”Whatever,” I think, “it’s been 20 years—deal with it!”  But to grow out of touch with the music industry?  I’ve always joked about it but I never thought it would actually happen.  I never thought I’d see the day when a musician I respect (Kanye, if you’d believe it) would call Beck’s artistic abilities into question.  It’s Beck!  Don’t we all remember how many stuffy, music industry rules Odelay seemed to break?  Don’t we remember when he turned emo with us for “Lost Cause” and then brought us right back to life with “Hell Yes?”

Kim Kardashian’s Instagram post reacting to Beck’s win sent a shiver down my spine. “Who’s next?” I wondered, “Radiohead?”

This is the Beck won that award face?!?!?!

A photo posted by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

Kanye’s rejection of Beck seems to have set off a chain reaction in my perception of age.  Two weeks ago, I felt like a spry Millennial.  Now I’m starting to wonder if Generation X will take children of the mid-80s.

So, to whomever is in charge of membership over at Generation X, below is a list of my qualifications.  By that I mean, below is a list of things that have made me feel old over the past week.  I hope I am not shooting myself in the foot by composing my application to your esteemed generation in the form of a list—I know that is a very Millennial thing to do.  It’s just that I’m too lazy to do it any other way.  My attention span is short, you see, and I feel I should not have to explain myself and should instead just be given everything I want.  So here goes:

  • I used Urban Dictionary to look up “on fleek” last night.
  • I’ve purchased two bouquets of freshly cut tulips in the last 10 days.
  • Lady Gaga is engaged and not to a Muppet.  She’s legit engaged like an adult.
  • I overheard someone say that Leonardo DiCaprio is entering his Marlon Brando phase.
  • Jon Stewart announced he is leaving the Daily Show.
  • Brian Williams has now come and gone and I still confuse him with Peter Jennings.
  • I don’t care about the Oscars because, ugh, it’s all the same. Every year the same!
  • I like a good lentil soup.
  • I cannot relate to this Disney Princess phase the internet is going through.
  • Most of the apps on my phone are a mystery to me.  And I feel like all of them are spying on me.
  • I’m super into the smell of lavender lately.  It’s speaking to me, beckoning me into my 30s!

Thank you for your time and consideration, Generation Next (remember that commercial??)  I look forward to hearing from you via Hotmail.

image via Page Six

Amateur Apartment Design: 2 Years and 1 Unused Clapper Later

All_011015Welcome to my new and improved website!  Updating this thing was my only new year’s resolution.  Now I can just coast (eat peanut butter).

My website isn’t the only thing I’ve updated this year.  I spent the first week of 2015 putting the finishing touches on my apartment—an upgrade two years in the making.  I got so excited about the results, albeit mediocre, that I went to and made a collage of my diggs.  Like it?  I added filters to these photos, of course, because I’m not Annie Leibovitz.

I’m not quite finished decorating, though—are we ever?  Now, I’m working on a custom island for the kitchen and I just ordered some new lampshades on Overstock for the bedroom (not pictured here because I gotta wait on those lampshades, girl!).

But overall, this is the new look. It’s been no easy task.  When I moved into the apartment two years ago, it looked like a heroin addict and a hoarder had been bunking together.  Two of the old tenants left behind most of their furniture and a decade’s worth of empty shampoo bottles.  Empty shampoo bottles on every surface—the way college students collect empty bottles of booze.  The third tenant was my boyfriend, who I’ve since been stuck with.  He just never left!  So I put him to work.  We cleaned, painted, and began the slow process of putting together new furniture.

As successful as the apartment overhaul has been, I’ve failed in just one area: using my Clapper.  You know, “clap on, clap off… THE CLAPPER!”  I won it at a Greedy Christmas exchange, years ago.  It was quite the coup.  Everyone wanted that thing and I left triumphant.  Yet, I’ve never quite found the perfect light fixture on which to use my clapper.  It’s too glamorous a prize for most earthly outlets.  Even as I’ve obsessed over my apartment, nothing has ever seemed perfect enough for Mary’s little Clapper.  So here I sit, staring lovingly into the collage of my carefully organized apartment, vexed by my Clapper’s absence.

For now it’s in a dark cabinet, never meeting it’s potential, permanently clapped off.